Status Anxiety & Motion Addiction

a good friend recently asked me this question: “assuming it is not possible to be 100% present 100% of the time, would you rather be 100% present half of the time, or 50% present all of the time?“

Let me first explain what being present means in this context. It means to do something while thinking of only what you are doing, without distraction. And furthermore, to believe that what you are doing is meaningful and a manifestation of the true “you” at the moment you are doing it.

My answer was that i’d rather spend half my time being totally present, and the other half in a lazier state of mind, picking the low hanging fruit and not reflecting too much over it.

This is not what I would have replied 10 years ago. Back then I was on a continuous effort to change myself into something more meaningful, more present. I would have never settled for anything less than the highest quality of being all of the time. I started a process that included practicing art, meditation, therapy, travel and other bohemian pass-times. At the time, I believed I was doing all this in order to improve myself and my life, which is partly true, but there is another angle to consider here. All of the above are considered by Alain de Botton to be the cure for status anxiety.

De Botton would say that in my 20’s I felt that my social status is very low (which was true) and this subconscious feeling caused anxiety. I wanted to have greatness, to be important, to be remembered, to be a source of pride, but that wasn’t happening. so I tried to use all these ways to minimize the importance of social status, and thus get rid of the un-happy feeling that I might be at the bottom. Ironically, trying to do so many things at the same time prevented me from excelling in any one thing, which added fuel to the “i’m not good enough” anxiety bonfire.

Since I did not know how to increase my status, I turned to the above activities which transcend social status. A Zen monk is not measured by his money, occupation, or even personality and skills, but only by his ability to reflect. The same goes for person in a therapeutic session, and we all know that a poor underdog of a musician is much more romantic than a successful one. When traveling in far away countries, I was completely removed from both local status hierarchy and the one in Israel.

Today I find that I’m more comfortable with my place in society, and place a larger importance on how I am feeling rather than how other people view me. This attitude allows me to relax, and listen to my true needs - which might be less inspiring at times but more beneficial to my well being. I still like to reflect and make music but for a different purpose, a very practical immediate release of energy, rather than a long term plan to conquer the world.

That being said, I still get the nagging feeling sometimes, from that old habit, my addiction to motion. You all know what I mean - you may call this feeling boredom. How many times can I drink the same coffee cup? have a relationship with the same spouse? do the same work at the office? have the same friends? live in the same country? and the list can go on. This attitude is external and superficial of course, but I can’t avoid the thought that shaking my life and removing some dust might lead to exiting new understandings and feelings.  

As usual, I will try to find the middle way. Get rid of the unhealthy anxiety but keep the productive desire to improve and achieve. Coming back to my friend’s question from the beginning of the post, this philosophy will allow me to take some time off and relax, without compromising the quality of efforts when I feel like swimming against the current and actually expressing myself for a while.

Why paying more for my food is good for me

A lot of people ask me if I'm a vegetarian, because they don't see me eat meat. I don't have a short answer to give them, because I'm not a vegetarian, but I'm also not a common omnivore. People tend to have a need to sort reality into boxes, and I have to admit it is very tempting to find a box to hide in.
But the truth is, none of the currently available definitions feel comfortable for me, so I'll have to tailor make my own, and also make it flexible enough to change as I do.
I don't claim to have some principle of right and wrong on this issue, and I'm not claiming any moral higher ground, but rather I am trying to describe what feels natural to me.

My exposition is especially long, because in all matters concerning food that comes from living things (also matters concerning children, but I will get to that in a different post), people tend to get really defensive very quickly. So once again, I do not mean to attack anyone, just explain myself coherently.

My basic belief is that eating a carrot is somehow different from eating an egg, ordering a schnitzel, or carving up a chicken. While I can eat a carrot without a second thought, I can no longer do the same with an omelet. I believe that food that comes from animals deserves some special consideration, simply because it derives from a sentient being. There isn't a clear line between sentient and non sentient beings, but I think we can all instinctively say which organisms are sure to feel pain if we hurt them.

I began thinking this way after starting to work in an office, and noticing how easy it was to order a hamburger. 3 clicks on a computer mouse are all it takes to get a part of a cow for lunch, and it is not expensive either. This made me think – isn't this too easy? Shouldn't this cost more? Has the abstraction between the living animal and the plate become so inflated that in all practical terms we don't realize that what we are eating used to be alive?

Once you start thinking this way, it is virtually impossible to casually eat meat again, because this thought in some form is always there. So now I had no choice but to deal with it.

The "easy" way out is to just stop eating meat, and let the conscience sleep in peace, but this is the easy way out. I find that choosing such absolute principles to follow makes me appear as a better person (to myself of course) but does not make me feel any better. So I need to find my own middle way which gives some respect to food produced by or from animals, but can still allow me to consume it.

It is important for me to continue eating these animal ingredients, and not for health reasons. The first reason is that eating gives me pleasure, and pleasure is hard to find in this world. Giving too much up might result in depression. The second reason is that food comes in meals, and meals are the story of our culture. Be it family dinners or food with friends, each dish has its own story and significance, and giving it up abruptly can be a violent act to the people in your life.

So I am left with the option of eating, but not as often. In the past year or so, I have stopped eating meat in the office; instead I order vegetarian meals for lunch. But this solution is not good enough, because it is just quantitative and not qualitative. After reading about animal agriculture in the US in several books ("Eating Animals", "My Year of Meats") I realized that more than the death of animals, I am bothered by the way they live. If a cow is raised for 5 years, and then butchered in 20 minutes, it makes sense to put a bigger emphasize on its life. Not to say it is OK to use inhumane butchering methods, but I'm trying to divide and conquer here.

This thought led me to start buying free-range eggs exclusively, and use alternatives if I can't find any. It turns out I can make a mean chickpea (no pun intended) omelet and feed it to my two-year-old without any hunting thoughts.



After some more musing, I also realized that if my family eats less meat, and only spends money on it once every 2 months or so, we can afford to buy more expensive, free-range meat at a boutique butchery. This place buys from a ranch in Israel's Golan heights, which is known for its animals' good welfare. An additional bonus is the quality of their meat, which might be due to their animals' good life.

This still leaves the problem of visiting with family and friends. If someone worked hard and placed all his love for me in a dish, it would be offensive not to eat it. It is not always possible to prepare things in advance and ask for vegetarian dishes, and I'm not sure it is fair to enforce my comfort zone on somebody else in this respect.

I am trying to kick start a long term change in the way my family thinks of  food. This long term goal is not harmed by an occasional rounded corner. I am sure some pure vegetarians or vegans will despise me for this, but what can I say, I feel comfortable with it.  

A recent article in Haaretz mentioned the supposed rivalry between full time vegetarians and weekday vegetarians. According to the writer, vegetarians who care about animal rights hate their weekday companions, since these impostors don't have any moral principle they rely on, regarding animal welfare. This is not true, as I've demonstrated - there is more than one way to care.

I believe people can be influenced and understand complicated thinking regarding food. We have more than 2 alternatives. The important thing is that we do think about it, and use self reflection to make sure how we are acting does not disagree with our sub-conscious.
Rabi Kook wrote about the ideal of a vegetarian world. In his eyes we are bound to get there eventually, as it is wrong to eat meat, but not yet. The reason we have to wait is that our energy is limited, and we have bigger issues to solve. In addition, the moral state of the world is not good enough to forsake meat, more preparation is needed.
I have a similar view regarding my personal life. I have started a process in which I am weaving new stories about food inside my home. New traditional meals at different occasions, and new stories behind them. This will undoubtedly affect my children in some way, hopefully for the better.  I can only hope that the upcoming years will give us more choice as consumers, more local sources of food and a more personal understanding of its complete preparation cycle.